What is Your "Why"?

At work, we have started a wellness pilot program. I will be working with 10 associates for 8 weeks on achieving their health and wellness goals. These goals vary from stress management, to eating better to physical activity, etc. One of the big questions we ask is why. Why do you want to change? Why is it so important to you?

I have been thinking a lot about my "why". Why do I exercise? Why do I try to eat healthy? Why do I care? What is my why?

I have come to the conclusion that my why is because it gives me confidence and strength. Every time I finish a hard run or am successful at planning out and sticking to a healthy week of meals I am reminded that I can do hard things. I am reminded that I am strong! And that I am capable of doing so much! I am also reminded that my body is one of my greatest blessings. I some times have a love/hate relationship with my body. I get frustrated that it won't do the one thing that it should be so easy to do...reproduce. I get frustrated when it hurts from the Endo. I get frustrated when I can't do things I want to because my body is too tired. 

But every time I push past those feelings I am rewarded with feelings of confidence. I feel powerful and that I can take on the world. It is those feelings that keep me going. 

I have come across a lot of individuals who want to eat healthy and exercise because they want to lose weight or look good.  The automatically think that having the perfect body will make them happy. However, being super fit and thin will not make you happy. We have to learn to love ourselves no matter what. 

I have been so anger at my body and even sometimes hated it because I viewed it as "broken". Running has helped me change that mind set. I am not broken. My body is beautiful and lovely. I have found my "why". So, what is your "Why"? 

Beginning Thoughts on IVF

A few weeks ago I started really looking into In Vitro. Comparing clinics, calling insurance, looking at our finances, etc. For all of the thousands of couples who go through IVF each year, I was surprised to see how involved the process is. It is quite terrifying. 

Right now I am mulling over the idea of really spending all of our savings and committing to giving myself shots...This is an incredibly big decision and it scares me.  

Mother's Day....A Hard Day

Well, this was the fourth Mother's Day I have spent childless and to be quite honest I was dreading it. It was on my mind all week long. Every time I would go to the store and see all of the Mother's flowers, cards and gifts I would get an achy dread in my stomach knowing that on Sunday I would have to go to church and listen to talk and lesson about the joys of motherhood and how wonderful all women are for being a mom. Not the ideal situation for my emotional health.
My wonderful husband knew all of this and surprised me with a weekend getaway to Park City. It was the perfect solution. We left Saturday morning, shopped the outlets, went swimming, and toured the Olympic park. It. Was. Perfect.

This Mother's Day was different than all of the others for several reasons:

1. I finally realized that it is okay for me to skip church when the pain of going will be more than the strength received. Mother's Day is one of those days. I do not have to hold back tears as the cute primary children sing Mother's Day songs, when the speaker talks about how important it is to be a mother, or when the bishop asks all of the mothers to stand so the youth can hand out flowers and chocolate.
2. A few weeks before, I was feeling brave and shared our story with my FB friends. So, come Mother's Day I received some of the most thoughtful texts, messages and cards from friends and family. I have never felt so loved and so thought of. 
3. I realized that couples dealing with infertility are not the only ones who find Mother's Day hard. There are people that have a strained relationship with their mom, people who have lost their mom, or parents raising kids on their own due to death, divorce, etc. 
4. I avoided all social media. I am really proud of myself for this one. Social media will always be flooded with Mother's Day related posts and pictures. Great decision on my part. 

As I reflected back on this past Mother's Day, I realized that I can make it a day that is hard and sad or I can use it as a constant reminder of hope, of better things to come. There is always hope! 

You Are Not Alone

Last week was National Infertility Week, themed "You Are Not Alone".  I love this theme! I think a lot of the couples or individuals going through infertility can feel very alone.

I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do this year to spread awareness. Then in the beginning of April I saw that CNN was asking for stories about infertility. I am not sure what inspired me to submit our story, but I did. I even forgot to ask Zac before hand...oops! Good thing he is okay with this sort of stuff. :)

Our story wasn't featured, but it can still be found on their website....here. I had never really directly said that we were dealing with infertility on Facebook. I had shared links to articles about infertility,but I had never directly said it...until now. I share our story from CNN along with a briefly explanation about our struggle.

I was completely overwhelmed with the response that I received. I felt so loved! I had so many Facebook friends (some that I hadn't talked to in a while) tell me that they were praying for me or that they were going through the same thing! It is amazing when you decide to open up, you truly discover that you are not alone!

If I have learned anything in the last three and a half years, it is that I am not alone. I have had friends, family and God rally around Zac and I. There are people everywhere going through hard things. I can guarantee that everyone you meet is fighting their own battle. Whether it be infertility, death, addiction, poverty, etc. they have their struggles too.

Endometriosis Awareness

Alright friends, I am going to get serious for a little bit here. This post is dedicated to awareness for a disease that affects approximately 176 million women and girls worldwide. This disease is usually misdiagnosed. Also, it takes the average woman EIGHT YEARS from their first doctor's appointment  for their symptoms to get an accurate diagnosis. There is no cure for this disease and there is also very limited treatment outside of surgery. This disease is Endometriosis. If you get grossed out about "women's issues" then you probably shouldn't read this post....so you have been warned. 

What is Endometriosis you ask.....".Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease that affects at least 6.3 million women and girls in the U.S., 1 million in Canada, and millions more worldwide. It occurs when tissue like that which lines the uterus (tissue called the endometrium) is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus; the area between the vagina and rectum; the outer surface of the uterus; and the lining of the pelvic cavity. Other sites for these endometrial growths may include the bladder, bowel, vagina, cervix, vulva, and in abdominal surgical scars. Less commonly they are found in the lung, arm, thigh, and other locations.

This misplaced tissue develops into growths or lesions which respond to the menstrual cycle in the same way that the tissue of the uterine lining does: each month the tissue builds up, breaks down, and sheds. Menstrual blood flows from the uterus and out of the body through the vagina, but the blood and tissue shed from endometrial growths has no way of leaving the body. This results in internal bleeding, breakdown of the blood and tissue from the lesions, and inflammation -- and can cause pain, infertility, scar tissue formation, adhesions, and bowel problems." - http://www.endometriosisassn.org/ 

Needless to say, it can be an extremely painful and debilitating disease. This is an issue that affects millions of women everyday but it is seldom talked about all because it has to do with a woman's reproductive organs. Not only is this disease the number one cause for infertility in females but it can be so severe that it prevents a woman from living a normal life. The pain can be so bad that work is missed or going to a family event isn't even an option.

I want to tell you a story....my story....I was 16 and missing school during my period because it made me sick to me stomach because the pain was so bad. Besides the pain I had classic Endo symptoms. I when to a doctor who told me  that it was "normal" and dismissed my pain as "typical female problems". He put me on the pill to help "even me out." Fast forward three years later, I am switching birth control and I tell three different OB/GYNs about my past issues. All of them tell me they are normal. Two years later, I am happily married and ready to start a family. Months and months go by and no pregnancy. Eventually those months turn into a year and a half. I again find myself sitting in a doctor's office where I am told again that my symptoms are normal and there is no way they affect my fertility. A year later, I am diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" and still not pregnant. Finally, I find a doctor who thinks differently. A surgery is scheduled and the diagnosis of Endometriosis is suggested. After, eight years of doctor appointments and blood tests the diagnosis of Endometriosis is confirmed. 

This is my story. And it is not an abnormal story. Most women see several doctor's before they receive a diagnosis. And most of those doctors dismiss their pain. I have been told that it is normal and to basically suck it up because every girl goes through this. But guess what? Not every girl goes through this. 

So why am I even writing this post? March is Endometriosis Awareness Month. Also, Endo is a chronic disease, meaning it doesn't go away. To be honest, I didn't know much about it until I was diagnosed. And I think it is a safe bet to say that there are a lot of people out there who didn't even know something like this existed. If you are reading this, then hopefully you now know what it is. It is quite possible that you will know someone who is has it, a friend, sister, spouse, mother, or aunt. Don't dismiss it. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there and just because I try hard to hide my pain doesn't mean that it isn't there either. This is a very real disease. Want more info? Here is a good place to get started...Women's Health, Endometriosis.  

Guess What....We Moved!

Well, it is officially official. We are now living in Utah. To be quite honest. a few months ago I didn't think I would ever be typing those words. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this move. It has definitely been the hardest move I have ever made and that is saying a lot since Zac and I have moved around quite a bit.
Zac and I had both been praying the last several months that Zac would be able to know if he should try to find a new job. He wasn't very happy in his current one and we both really wanted to stay in the Seattle area. So when Zac was contacted by CoreBrace, I knew that this was an answer to a pray. Not the answer I wanted but I knew that Zac should take it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about why I am having such a hard time with Utah. And I think I figured it out. As many of you know, Zac and I have been wanting to start a family for over three years now. The first year, we weren't concerned that there was anything wrong, then the second year hit. We were living in San Diego at the time. That year was brutal. I was not happy. I was heartbroken. I cried almost everyday, I couldn't stand to see pictures of new babies or pregnant women. I left multiple baby showers early and in tears because of the pain. I had no idea why I couldn't get pregnant and I had no friends close by who knew what it was like. Then we moved.
While in Seattle, I discovered the reason why. And I made some of the best friends a girl could ask for. These friends knew what I was going through as they knew themselves what it was like. We could all relate and lean on each other for support. I clung to their friendship and for the first time in over a year, I felt happy and at peace with my situation. I felt that even though I didn't know if I would ever have a family that is was okay for me to be happy.
Leaving them behind when we moved was so hard. I was worried and scared that without them I would fall back into unhappiness. That I wouldn't be able to make new friends and that without their support I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do.
But I see now that Heavenly Father placed those incredible women in my life right when I needed them the most. They will always be my friends. And because of them I am stronger and can face a new place that has so many young mothers and pregnant women. I don't think I could have ever faced Utah without first having lived in Seattle.
There are some really great things about living here though. For one, I have a sister so close, less than five minutes away, close. I am so grateful to have Elise and her family so close. Nothing quite beats having a sister nearby. I am also so much closer to home and my parents. Also, due to lower cost of living and Zac's new job, we are going to be able to pursue a few dreams in the near future that we didn't even think were possibilities before such as buying a house. Zac and I have a lot to be grateful for. I am excited to face this new adventure with my best friend by my side.

First day of work!

First snow

I have missed the mountains 

How Far Would You Go?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. How far am I willing to go to fulfill my dreams. This month marks the third year of our infertility journey so naturally it has been on my mind a lot more than usual.
When I think of this question I can't but help to also think how far I have come. I have endured 13 rounds of crazy pills (aka Clomid), surgery, pain, hope and heart break.
This past year has been a roller coaster to say the least. Discovering that I have Endometriosis opens a whole flood of emotions and questions. I had surgery about four months ago and sadly the Endometriosis is returning. I can feel it more acutely than I ever have. It is like I was living with the disease for so long that I got used to the way it made me feel then having a few wonderful months of knowing what it is like to not have it around makes me even more aware of the pain and the difference in my body.
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who somehow manages to deal with my craziness. I was talking to a friend the other day and she asked how Zac was doing with dealing all of this. I said that he is doing really good considering that he never knows what kind of Katelyn he will walk in to when he gets home from work. Sometimes it is a happy Katelyn who has dinner made and the house clean other times it is an emotional mess that has binged on Netflix and is still in her PJs.
Right now I have no idea what to do next and it is scary. There are several options where fertility is concerned, however, I am learning there are not so many options where Endo is concerned. Even if I were to get pregnant the symptoms of the disease would come right back and will continue to get worse as time passes.
I have been reading every book I can find at the library about it hoping I can find ways to slow it down. So many things in my life are making more sense. As many of you know, I need a lot of sleep and am almost always tired. It turns out that fatigue is a common symptom of Endo. The extreme pain and nausea that comes with each cycle are also common symptoms. I also have weirdly sensitive skin and I am allergic to nickel and fragrances. According to one book, there is a link between autoimmune disorders such as allergies and endometriosis as endo itself is thought to be an autoimmune disease. Women with endometriosis were more likely to have an autoimmune disorder or disease than women without endo.
By learning as much as I can about it, I am hoping to gain at least a little control back. It feels better than not doing anything.
There are a lot of good things that have come from this challenge and I am sure there are more that I haven't even realized yet. However, it is not easy. Sometimes, it feels like each day is a battle between happiness and letting it consume me. I refuse to let this steal my happiness. If I can't beat it, I am at least going to go down fighting.