How Far Would You Go?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. How far am I willing to go to fulfill my dreams. This month marks the third year of our infertility journey so naturally it has been on my mind a lot more than usual.
When I think of this question I can't but help to also think how far I have come. I have endured 13 rounds of crazy pills (aka Clomid), surgery, pain, hope and heart break.
This past year has been a roller coaster to say the least. Discovering that I have Endometriosis opens a whole flood of emotions and questions. I had surgery about four months ago and sadly the Endometriosis is returning. I can feel it more acutely than I ever have. It is like I was living with the disease for so long that I got used to the way it made me feel then having a few wonderful months of knowing what it is like to not have it around makes me even more aware of the pain and the difference in my body.
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who somehow manages to deal with my craziness. I was talking to a friend the other day and she asked how Zac was doing with dealing all of this. I said that he is doing really good considering that he never knows what kind of Katelyn he will walk in to when he gets home from work. Sometimes it is a happy Katelyn who has dinner made and the house clean other times it is an emotional mess that has binged on Netflix and is still in her PJs.
Right now I have no idea what to do next and it is scary. There are several options where fertility is concerned, however, I am learning there are not so many options where Endo is concerned. Even if I were to get pregnant the symptoms of the disease would come right back and will continue to get worse as time passes.
I have been reading every book I can find at the library about it hoping I can find ways to slow it down. So many things in my life are making more sense. As many of you know, I need a lot of sleep and am almost always tired. It turns out that fatigue is a common symptom of Endo. The extreme pain and nausea that comes with each cycle are also common symptoms. I also have weirdly sensitive skin and I am allergic to nickel and fragrances. According to one book, there is a link between autoimmune disorders such as allergies and endometriosis as endo itself is thought to be an autoimmune disease. Women with endometriosis were more likely to have an autoimmune disorder or disease than women without endo.
By learning as much as I can about it, I am hoping to gain at least a little control back. It feels better than not doing anything.
There are a lot of good things that have come from this challenge and I am sure there are more that I haven't even realized yet. However, it is not easy. Sometimes, it feels like each day is a battle between happiness and letting it consume me. I refuse to let this steal my happiness. If I can't beat it, I am at least going to go down fighting.