Two Years

Life is definitely not what I ever expected it to be. In my vision of what was supposed to happen I was supposed to be a lovely wife and mother caring for her young family. Instead I find myself struggling with something that I never thought I would struggle with.
I think about it all the time. Every time I see an expectant mother or a sweet baby I experience a pain and a yearning that I have never even really thought about until a few years ago.
Once, in the first year of marriage, I was late one month and I was terrified at the thought that I was possibly pregnant. Now I would give almost anything to be pregnant. This month is my two year mark of infertility. This post also marks my 100th post on my blog. I have learned a lot in the last two years, a lot of hard lessons. I have also learned the importance of pray, friends, family and an attitude of gratitude. I try really hard not to feel sorry for myself because I know that there are others that are going through difficult trials as well. I can only be grateful for the many blessings I have in life. So to honor my 100th post, I have composed a list of 100 things that I am thankful for...

1. Zac 
2. Mom
3. Dad
4. Sisters
5. Brother
6. Nephews
7. Sibling-in-laws
8. Parents-in-laws
9. Grandparents
10. Cousins
11. Aunts and Uncles 
12. Warm socks
13. Hot showers
14. Warm summer days
15. The leaves changing color in the Fall
16. All of my friends!
17. The Gospel
18. Jesus Christ
19. God
20. Church
21. Pray
22. The Book of Mormon
23. Visiting teachers 
24. Home teachers
25. Hot Chocolate
26. Music
27. Couches 
28. My bed
29. Clothes
30. Hands
31. Eyes
32. Ears
33. My hair
34. Nose
35. My car
36. My job
37. My boss/co-workers
38. BYU
39. Soccer
40. My cell phone
41. The United States
42. My ancestors 
43. General conference
44. School teachers
45. Sunday school/YW teachers/leaders 
46. My piano teachers
47. My Orchestra teachers
48. My soccer coaches
49. My basketball coaches
50. A good book on a cold winter day
51. The smell of the earth after rain
52. Monsoon season
53. Hiking trails
54. Swimming pools
55. The ocean
56. My bike
57. Warm chocolate chip cookies
58. Ice cream
59. Doctors
60. Dentists
61. Contacts
62. Glasses
63. Soap
64. Lotion
65. Chap stick
66. Family traditions 
67. Thank yous 
68. My iPod
69. My heart
70. My legs 
71. Races 
72. My sewing machine
73. Animals
74. Disneyland
75. Kisses
76. Hugs
77. Love
78. Snow
79. Holidays
80. A clean apartment
81. Movies
82. Cameras
83. Microwaves
84. Clean water
85. Modern refrigeration
86. Computers
87. The internet 
88. Sweaters
89. Yoga pants 
90. airplanes
91. Police officers
92. Firefighters
93. Eyebrows
94. Teeth
95. California Surf n' Turf Burritos 
96. Air conditioning
97. Heaters 
98. Electricity 
99. Pillows
100. Moon and Stars

Moving Forward

Today I had my first official doctors appointment for infertility. There is something comforting being able to finally say that yes, Zac and I are dealing with infertility. I know it might sound weird, but it is nice to have it finally confirmed. One of the first things my doctor told me is that I was in the right place, that I was not over-reacting and that I am not paranoid. I don't know how he knew that was what I needed to hear.

The last year and a half has been a challenge, hoping each month that that month is month that we will be able to begin our family. Then to have each month end with a reminder that I am not pregnant, better luck next time. I never knew how difficult it would be to deal with something like this. I never knew what those women and men were going through. How each time they see a happy family or when another friend announces a pregnancy that it is another painful reminder that you are still waiting....I was really struggling.

Then a few months ago, I was reading the general conference talks from April. I came across a talk by Elder Cook about finding personal peace. It helped me realize that I am in charge of my own happiness and my own peace. And that no matter what this world throws at me, I can still be happy. It is easy to get caught up in the " I will be happy when..." game. I will be happy when I finally get pregnant, I will be happy when Zac finally is finished with school. If you choose to have this mentality then you are in for a long ride of  "I will be happy whens". I know when I have a family there will always be another challenge to take on and to overcome. There are way too many great people to meet, fun things to do and goals to be achieved to be wasting time being sad.

This road could be short or it could be long. But right now it feels so good to finally feel like I am moving forward.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day! I have the most wonderful mother and mother-in-law anyone could ask for. They are both incredible women who I look up to. I love them both so much and feel very blessed to be their daughter and daughter-in-law.
Growing up and now, my mom has always been an example to me as well as a friend. The older I get the more and more I realize how truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful mother. She has so many amazing qualities and I strive each day to be as amazing as she is. She is strong, brave, smart, funny, and she really does know everything. :) I have a bazillion great memories of my mom. Way to many to share on here. She also taught me many valuable lessons. She encouraged me never to quit on things I had committed to do. I am so glad that she made me stick with the Piano. I am also so glad that she taught me how to work and how to work hard. Both of those have proved to be important lately. So, Mom, thank you for being my mom and always loving me when I made mistakes. Thank you for always be someone I can lean on. I miss your hugs everyday. If I could convince Zac to move back to St. Johns, I would just to be close to my mom.

Mother's day is a day that I try to focus on my mom and the other wonderful women in my life, but this Mother's Day is a little different. It is the 2nd Mother's Day where I was hoping to be a mother or at least a soon to be mother. Obviously, that is not the case. I never realized how painful not being able to get pregnant could be. I have struggled with many emotions over the last little while: jealousy, envy, frustration, and sadness. It is an incredibly difficult situation to be in. Just ask Zac, I have been a roller coaster of emotions. But I think I am starting to find ways to help with those emotions. It is still a work in progress. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me even though I don't fully understand the "why". Even though, I get angry when people complain about their pregnancy or their kids messes. I do know this, that I am loved and that He is mindful of me. Hopefully, in the coming months I will get some answers. But for now this will have to be enough.
Happy Mother's Day to all the women in my life who have taught me so much,who have loved me, and have been my friend.