How Far Would You Go?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. How far am I willing to go to fulfill my dreams. This month marks the third year of our infertility journey so naturally it has been on my mind a lot more than usual.
When I think of this question I can't but help to also think how far I have come. I have endured 13 rounds of crazy pills (aka Clomid), surgery, pain, hope and heart break.
This past year has been a roller coaster to say the least. Discovering that I have Endometriosis opens a whole flood of emotions and questions. I had surgery about four months ago and sadly the Endometriosis is returning. I can feel it more acutely than I ever have. It is like I was living with the disease for so long that I got used to the way it made me feel then having a few wonderful months of knowing what it is like to not have it around makes me even more aware of the pain and the difference in my body.
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband who somehow manages to deal with my craziness. I was talking to a friend the other day and she asked how Zac was doing with dealing all of this. I said that he is doing really good considering that he never knows what kind of Katelyn he will walk in to when he gets home from work. Sometimes it is a happy Katelyn who has dinner made and the house clean other times it is an emotional mess that has binged on Netflix and is still in her PJs.
Right now I have no idea what to do next and it is scary. There are several options where fertility is concerned, however, I am learning there are not so many options where Endo is concerned. Even if I were to get pregnant the symptoms of the disease would come right back and will continue to get worse as time passes.
I have been reading every book I can find at the library about it hoping I can find ways to slow it down. So many things in my life are making more sense. As many of you know, I need a lot of sleep and am almost always tired. It turns out that fatigue is a common symptom of Endo. The extreme pain and nausea that comes with each cycle are also common symptoms. I also have weirdly sensitive skin and I am allergic to nickel and fragrances. According to one book, there is a link between autoimmune disorders such as allergies and endometriosis as endo itself is thought to be an autoimmune disease. Women with endometriosis were more likely to have an autoimmune disorder or disease than women without endo.
By learning as much as I can about it, I am hoping to gain at least a little control back. It feels better than not doing anything.
There are a lot of good things that have come from this challenge and I am sure there are more that I haven't even realized yet. However, it is not easy. Sometimes, it feels like each day is a battle between happiness and letting it consume me. I refuse to let this steal my happiness. If I can't beat it, I am at least going to go down fighting.

Hope

The last month has been a whirlwind. A few weeks ago, Zac and I decided to go ahead and get the diagnostic laparoscopy surgery for Endometriosis. I called the doctor's office and they told me that it would take about two weeks to hear back from the insurance and probably another month after that before the actual surgery.

Last week I got a call from the doctor's office and they said they had a cancellation for the 25th. So I took it! It has definitely been an eventful week. 

On Monday, I had my pre-op appointment which went pretty well, except for passing out while getting my blood work done. Haha. It was more embarrassing than anything else.  If I don't eat anything before I get my blood drawn I pass out and according to the nurse I turn the color of a green olive. Needless, to say I was in no shape to drive home or to pick up Zac from the park and ride. There are definite perks of your doctor being in your ward. He drove me home then picked up Zac for me. Sometimes I wonder if the reason Zac and I are in Seattle is just so that Dr. S can be my doctor.  He really is such a sweet and caring man. 

The surgery was scheduled for Wednesday morning. The toughest part was waiting. We waited about three hours from the time we got there to the time they put me out. Thankfully, Zac was able to wait with me. 

I promise, I am not sleeping, yet. Zac streamed the Argentina game for me while we waited. It definitely made the wait go by faster and it was fun to talk about with the staff as well. 

It was over before I knew it. I think having my wisdom teeth removed in high school was much more painful than this surgery. I don't know about you, but I am terrible when it comes to stuff like this. The first thing I do is research it on the web and of course I find all of the horror stories. I don't know what those ladies were talking about because it was really quite simple and painless for me. The doc prescribed me some pain meds, but I have been doing just fine on Ibuprofen. 

They did find Endometriosis. To be honest, I am relieved. I think my biggest fear going into this is that they wouldn't find anything and then I would be back at square one. I didn't get to speak to the doctor as I was a little loopy from all the meds. However, he spoke with Zac. He said there was significant amounts with the majority being on the left side, around my tubes. I am not sure if it was inside, outside or both. He was able to remove most if not all of what he found and he also flushed my tubes several times. So I should be pretty cleaned out down there. 

At my pre-op appointment Dr. S said I had a good 3-5 month window afterwards before the Endometriosis starts to come back. I am feeling rather hopeful that this time it is going to work that this time I will get pregnant. 

I have my post-op in two weeks, where Dr. S will go over in detail what he found and what it means exactly. He took a lot of pictures of my beautiful insides, sadly I was too sleepy to really see or comprehend them. So, we will be going over those again as well. 

Right now, I am just sore. It feels like I did too many sit ups and that I have a cramp in my shoulder. Apparently, the gas that they use to inflate your abdomen causes shoulder pain afterwards. Who knew. Also, I feel slightly like a balloon as the gas leaves you bloated. 

Good news, is that I can be back to normal activity levels in two weeks. I can even begin going on walks as soon as I feel up to it.   

I am really happy that we decided to do the surgery. It was definitely the right decision for us. I now have a definitive answer as to why I haven't been able to get pregnant the last 2 years and 7 months. 

With Endometriosis effecting over 5 million women in the world you would think that it would be easier to get it diagnosed. I had my first doctor's appointment for female issues when I was 16 and they brushed it off as if it were no big deal. Telling me that it was because I was still growing and that my pain was normal. Then, I went through two other doctors as an adult who also brushed it off saying that there was nothing wrong with me. I am so glad that I have finally found a doctor who was willing to take the next step and really find out what was going on.  

We will see what Dr. S says about my options in two weeks! In the meantime, I am going to soak in the feeling of hope! 

National Infertility Awareness Week 2014

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I want to take this opportunity to help increase awareness. Resolve.org is a non profit organization that is a great place to find resources and is devoted to bringing awareness to this disease. Yes, it is a disease. I am frequent visitor to their website. They have encouraged me to share and to use this opportunity to let others know. I have debated with myself if I should post this list or if I should just keep it to myself. This has been a private list of mine for the last several months. I don't like to post posts that are sad or that may come off as complaining because I really do have a lot to be grateful for. I try to put on a brave face and look for the positive during this journey. But in reality, there is a lot of pain and heartache that is involved. Below is my personal list of confessions about my infertility. These are the things that I struggle with on a daily basis, some of my innermost feelings that I want to share with you. By sharing this list, I just want you to know that this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and that I hope that this will help you understand a little bit more about me and about infertility. 

• It feels like someone is trying to rip my heart out every time I see a new born baby, expectant soon-to-be mother or a darling little girl.
• I sometimes un-follow your Facebook posts, Instagram or blog because I can't handle all of the baby pictures, complaining posts about pregnancy/kids and pregnancy announcements.
• I secretly wish I was strong enough to tell you that it hurts every time you complain about your greatest blessing.
• I would give up anything to go through morning sickness, hardly get any sleep and have a messy house if it meant I had a child.
• I appreciate your suggestions, but lets be honest, I have already tried to just relax and any other old wife's tale that helped your sister's friend's sister get pregnant. I just read a study about full fat dairy increasing fertility....ice cream anyone?
• I purposely plan my route in Target to avoid the baby section.
• Each month, I start to in-vision what it would be like to be pregnant and a mother....only to be reminded, painfully, that this month isn't the month.
• I cry a lot.....more than anyone would ever expect or even know.
• I think about infertility everyday....every single day.
• I frequently dream I am pregnant or that I have a baby. Sometimes they are so real that I wake up half expecting to find that child really there.
• I have a secret Pinterest board for infertility to remind myself that I am not alone.
• Please don't tell me that I have plenty of time or that I am still young, that doesn't make me feel any better.
• I genuinely don't mind you asking me about it. I honestly would rather have you ask than to have you wonder.
• Each month I feel so guilty because there must have been something more I could have done to make it happen.

If you have a friend or loved one going through a similar situation, give them a hug this week and let them know that you care. They may need it much more than you know.

Press Forward With Faith

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

2 Nephi 31: 20 

Sometimes when you are feeling like you are getting close to your breaking point, Heavenly Father reminds you that He is there and that he cares.

As hard as this is, it has been so comforting to know that I have family that knows exactly what it is like and what it feels like. They are always there to give me great advice and courage to share my journey. If no one knows what I am going through then how can I expect them to understand. I have been a little mopey about not having my friends in San Diego that knew everything and trying to make new friends is always a little hard. When the Relief Society teacher asked the question about the different challenges we have each faced in our lives, I knew that I wouldn't have a more perfect opportunity to share this part of me. As soon as the lesson was over I was approached by so many different sisters that had dealt or who were dealing with the same thing. I had an instant support system and made instant friends. Everyone was so kind and understanding. Making the choice to share my story of infertility was one of the best decisions I have made. 

Also this week, Zac and I had an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I had cross referenced doctors who accepted our insurance with those who had good reviews leaving me with only one real option, Dr. S. I don't know about you, but doctor's visits always make me nervous. I was so nervous. Dr. S walked in and shook our hands and said "You two look familiar". He sure didn't look familiar to me! Turns out Dr. S is Mormon and in our Ward! Someone was watching out for me when I scheduled that appointment and knew that I needed a little bit extra support going into this appointment. He looked through our medical records and asked us a lot of questions and he was not satisfied with the diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility! I almost stood up and did a little dance right there. He is positive that there is a reason why and that my previous doctor was a little hasty on just starting infertility treatments without looking further. He was also surprised at the large dosage of Clomid that my previous doctor had me on. He explained that being on too high of a dosage can actually make it harder to get pregnant. That explains the awful side effects as well. After talking to Dr. S a little longer, he believes that it is possible that the cause of my infertility is either PCOS, Endometriosis, or LPD (Luteal Phase Defect). As strange as it sounds, and as scary as all of those problems are, I am relieved. I am relieved that it may be possible to fix the problem and not just treat the effect. 

By another miracle, my doctor's appointment was on the exact day needed for Progesterone blood tests to test for Ovulation and PCOS. Once the blood results are in then that will determine the next course of action and one step closer to a diagnosis. 

Sometimes the smallest things make all the difference in the world. And most of all they have given me hope. Hope that I can still reach my dreams and goals of becoming a mother, hope that we can find a solution.