Things Just Got Real.....

Things just got real.....Zac and I just got our schedule from the IVF nurse this week. We are really doing this. IVF has been this thought in the back of my mind for almost a year now and we are finally doing it. I just started taking birth control which is weird because I haven't had to take it for the past four years now. I don't know if it is the birth control or the fact that I am so anxious but my emotions have been all over the place. I am somewhere between wanting to cry at anything even slightly emotional or slap people because they are just getting on my nerves. Guys, the nightly news is making me cry. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! Caution: please do not take offense to anything Katelyn may say or do for at least the next two months.

So the schedule....It looks like we will start injections right after Thanksgiving, have our egg retrieval sometime the week of December 7th and then egg transfer five days after that. This means that I could take a pregnancy test right around Christmas Eve. Which I am still trying to decide what to do. I could literally find out if I am pregnant or not on Christmas, meaning this could be the best Christmas in my life EVER or the absolute worst Christmas EVER. Blog world, what would you do?

I think IVF is going to take over my life for a while. It is really the only thing I can think about right now. Infertility has consumed most of my thoughts for the last several years but now with IVF looming ahead I would say it is consuming more than ever. Luckily, I don't have to alter my exercise too much up until egg retrieval. Exercise right now is my biggest stress relieve. I am training for another half on Halloween. Usually, by this point I am so burned out on running but running has been such a safe haven for me that I haven't been able to give it up. Those last few weeks of In Vitro are going to be really hard emotionally. And that is when they take away my running.

Looking back over the last four years, Zac and I have both sacrificed and given up so much just for the chance to have a baby of our own. But it will all be worth it. every. last. second. will be worth it.

The Big One

BIG NEWS! Zac and I have decided to try IVF with ICSI. Big news, right?! I may or may not be freaking out just a little bit. I can't describe the whirlwind of emotions that I am feeling about this decision. I am excited, nervous, hopeful and scared all at the same time. I am ready to start and to see if this will finally give us the children we have longed for for so long. Our chances for success are quite high around 60% which is so much better than our current chances of like 1%. We are hoping to start our first cycle sometime between the end of October and beginning of November.

One of the homework assignments that I have to do before is watch training videos on how to give myself shots. Yikes! Just watching the video was frightening so this will be really interesting. Any friends out there that don't mind sticking me with a needle? Just kidding....but seriously. 

Even though I feel good about this decision and I know that it is the right next step for us to take it is still really scary. I keep telling myself that thousands upon thousands of couples go through this each year so it shouldn't be such a big deal. But oh, it IS a big deal. 

Seriously, I think the only way I am going to make it through this is because it is fall and I love fall. So if all else fails, I at least have pumpkin patches, leaves changing and caramel apple spice drinks from Starbucks to keep my mood up.

 I am still waiting for the IVF nurses to call me back so we can talk schedule. The more I learn about this process I become more and more amazed at how advanced modern medicine is! Everything about this whole procedure is all about timing.

We have started some of the pre-testing. Last week I had a sonohysterogram done and what they call a trial transfer. The sonohyterogram was to make sure there was no scar tissue or blockages and the trial transfer is pretty much the doctor Google mapping my uterus so, you know, really fun. I did not anticipate how incredibly painful it would be! Holy cow. It hurt so bad. The pain was so terrible that I lost my breakfast on the way home from the doctor's office. I have only had cramps that severe a few times in my life. It was terrible. On the bright side though, our doctor said that if he didn't know I had Endometriosis that he wouldn't have been able to tell. So YAY for minimal endo growth.  

Going through this is going to take so much strength: physical, emotional and mental. I just have to remind myself that going through hard things just make you stronger and that I may really get my Christmas wish this year, a baby. :)

Does the Road End Here?

Just when I thought I had somewhat of a plan, it turns out that I really don't. Two weeks ago everything changed. Zac and I started seeing a new reproductive endocrinologist a month ago. He re-ordered a lot of the blood work and tests that Zac and I had already done in the past. I wasn't worried. I thought that everything would come back normal just as it always had because I am the one with Endometriosis, I am the the reason we can't get pregnant. Or so I thought.
Zac's test results came back less than ideal. Sending both of us for a loop. How can it be that after almost four years of me thinking that I am the sole reason that we are possibly dealing with both male and female factor infertility?
Zac and I are awaiting more test results to see what our our options are. If the test results come back negative, we are left with only one option, IVF with ICSI. This option is a lot more invasive and expensive than regular IVF. It also comes with more risks. Risks I am not sure I am willing to take. Some research has shown that children born via IVF with ICSI are more likely to be born with birth defects. It feels like all the odds are stacked against us.
I am terrified. I have never been so scared about my future. This one test has the power to determine if we will ever be able to have our own biological children. And giving up that dream is almost more than I can handle right now. Four years of hoping. praying, fasting, medical appointments and doctors all to find out that the road ends here.
All I can do is to continue to hope, pray, fast and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for Zac and I. Oh how I desperately wish and hope that that plan includes biological children. However, whatever happens, happens. It will be hard and so so challenging. But as long as I have Zac and God by my side I know I will be okay.

What is Your "Why"?

At work, we have started a wellness pilot program. I will be working with 10 associates for 8 weeks on achieving their health and wellness goals. These goals vary from stress management, to eating better to physical activity, etc. One of the big questions we ask is why. Why do you want to change? Why is it so important to you?

I have been thinking a lot about my "why". Why do I exercise? Why do I try to eat healthy? Why do I care? What is my why?

I have come to the conclusion that my why is because it gives me confidence and strength. Every time I finish a hard run or am successful at planning out and sticking to a healthy week of meals I am reminded that I can do hard things. I am reminded that I am strong! And that I am capable of doing so much! I am also reminded that my body is one of my greatest blessings. I some times have a love/hate relationship with my body. I get frustrated that it won't do the one thing that it should be so easy to do...reproduce. I get frustrated when it hurts from the Endo. I get frustrated when I can't do things I want to because my body is too tired. 

But every time I push past those feelings I am rewarded with feelings of confidence. I feel powerful and that I can take on the world. It is those feelings that keep me going. 

I have come across a lot of individuals who want to eat healthy and exercise because they want to lose weight or look good.  The automatically think that having the perfect body will make them happy. However, being super fit and thin will not make you happy. We have to learn to love ourselves no matter what. 

I have been so anger at my body and even sometimes hated it because I viewed it as "broken". Running has helped me change that mind set. I am not broken. My body is beautiful and lovely. I have found my "why". So, what is your "Why"? 

Beginning Thoughts on IVF

A few weeks ago I started really looking into In Vitro. Comparing clinics, calling insurance, looking at our finances, etc. For all of the thousands of couples who go through IVF each year, I was surprised to see how involved the process is. It is quite terrifying. 

Right now I am mulling over the idea of really spending all of our savings and committing to giving myself shots...This is an incredibly big decision and it scares me.  

Mother's Day....A Hard Day

Well, this was the fourth Mother's Day I have spent childless and to be quite honest I was dreading it. It was on my mind all week long. Every time I would go to the store and see all of the Mother's flowers, cards and gifts I would get an achy dread in my stomach knowing that on Sunday I would have to go to church and listen to talk and lesson about the joys of motherhood and how wonderful all women are for being a mom. Not the ideal situation for my emotional health.
My wonderful husband knew all of this and surprised me with a weekend getaway to Park City. It was the perfect solution. We left Saturday morning, shopped the outlets, went swimming, and toured the Olympic park. It. Was. Perfect.

This Mother's Day was different than all of the others for several reasons:

1. I finally realized that it is okay for me to skip church when the pain of going will be more than the strength received. Mother's Day is one of those days. I do not have to hold back tears as the cute primary children sing Mother's Day songs, when the speaker talks about how important it is to be a mother, or when the bishop asks all of the mothers to stand so the youth can hand out flowers and chocolate.
2. A few weeks before, I was feeling brave and shared our story with my FB friends. So, come Mother's Day I received some of the most thoughtful texts, messages and cards from friends and family. I have never felt so loved and so thought of. 
3. I realized that couples dealing with infertility are not the only ones who find Mother's Day hard. There are people that have a strained relationship with their mom, people who have lost their mom, or parents raising kids on their own due to death, divorce, etc. 
4. I avoided all social media. I am really proud of myself for this one. Social media will always be flooded with Mother's Day related posts and pictures. Great decision on my part. 

As I reflected back on this past Mother's Day, I realized that I can make it a day that is hard and sad or I can use it as a constant reminder of hope, of better things to come. There is always hope! 

You Are Not Alone

Last week was National Infertility Week, themed "You Are Not Alone".  I love this theme! I think a lot of the couples or individuals going through infertility can feel very alone.

I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do this year to spread awareness. Then in the beginning of April I saw that CNN was asking for stories about infertility. I am not sure what inspired me to submit our story, but I did. I even forgot to ask Zac before hand...oops! Good thing he is okay with this sort of stuff. :)

Our story wasn't featured, but it can still be found on their website....here. I had never really directly said that we were dealing with infertility on Facebook. I had shared links to articles about infertility,but I had never directly said it...until now. I share our story from CNN along with a briefly explanation about our struggle.

I was completely overwhelmed with the response that I received. I felt so loved! I had so many Facebook friends (some that I hadn't talked to in a while) tell me that they were praying for me or that they were going through the same thing! It is amazing when you decide to open up, you truly discover that you are not alone!

If I have learned anything in the last three and a half years, it is that I am not alone. I have had friends, family and God rally around Zac and I. There are people everywhere going through hard things. I can guarantee that everyone you meet is fighting their own battle. Whether it be infertility, death, addiction, poverty, etc. they have their struggles too.