Just when I thought I had somewhat of a plan, it turns out that I really don't. Two weeks ago everything changed. Zac and I started seeing a new reproductive endocrinologist a month ago. He re-ordered a lot of the blood work and tests that Zac and I had already done in the past. I wasn't worried. I thought that everything would come back normal just as it always had because I am the one with Endometriosis, I am the the reason we can't get pregnant. Or so I thought.
Zac's test results came back less than ideal. Sending both of us for a loop. How can it be that after almost four years of me thinking that I am the sole reason that we are possibly dealing with both male and female factor infertility?
Zac and I are awaiting more test results to see what our our options are. If the test results come back negative, we are left with only one option, IVF with ICSI. This option is a lot more invasive and expensive than regular IVF. It also comes with more risks. Risks I am not sure I am willing to take. Some research has shown that children born via IVF with ICSI are more likely to be born with birth defects. It feels like all the odds are stacked against us.
I am terrified. I have never been so scared about my future. This one test has the power to determine if we will ever be able to have our own biological children. And giving up that dream is almost more than I can handle right now. Four years of hoping. praying, fasting, medical appointments and doctors all to find out that the road ends here.
All I can do is to continue to hope, pray, fast and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for Zac and I. Oh how I desperately wish and hope that that plan includes biological children. However, whatever happens, happens. It will be hard and so so challenging. But as long as I have Zac and God by my side I know I will be okay.
